Distance
by MorbidxAngel
Summary: Christian is mentally disturbed and Lilian is his therapist. Lilian manages to keep Christian’s problems away until a long lost memory comes back to him. Can Lilian help Christian from falling off of the edge? Is she even apart of the solution?
1. Chapter 1 The Meeting

**Description: Christian is mentally disturbed and Lilian is his therapist. Lilian manages to keep Christian's problems away until a long lost memory comes back to him. Can Lilian help Christian from falling off of the edge? Is she even apart of the solution? **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot; everything else belongs to the WWE, unless otherwise stated.**

**AN: Look who's got all angsty. Hopefully it won't stay like this for long. Also, this is for the lovely ****_liveitup _****who gave me the idea while we were tweeting during Raw on Monday night.**

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**Chapter 1 – The Meeting**

My hands shook as I opened the door to the room. I looked inside and saw a woman, blonde and slim, sitting at the table. She looked at me as I looked at her, instantly entranced by her amazing blue eyes. She stood up and walked over to me.

Hello. You must be Jason Reso." She said. I felt my stomach jolt at the sound of her voice.

I nodded my head and looked down, feeling somewhat shameful.

"I'm Lilian. Lilian Garcia. I guess you can just call me Lilian. Sit down." She motioned for me to go and sit on the couch. She closed the door and locked it, making me feel uncomfortable. I did as she told me to and went over and sat on the couch. I brought my legs up to my chest and hugged them, burying my face in my arms.

_Keep my distance; I must keep my distance..._ I started to shake...

She cleared her throat. I looked upon the real reason I was here.

I had a shit load of problems building up over me. I built my walls up so high, that I could not climb them. Lilian is my therapist. She has to help me deal with my problems. I've tried to get help before, but no one really worked out for me. It's like I couldn't feel anymore, no one could help me escape from that. But, I decided that I was mentally disturbed at a high level, so, I agreed that I would get help...again...even though, I knew that it wouldn't work. I refuse to tell this woman my problems at all. I refuse to be exposed to anyone...ANYONE...I don't want people to know how sick I am. I would rather die than do that. I keep my distance from other people, because I know that they don't care. No one _really _wants to help me; they just feel sorry for me. So they pretend. I don't need the bullshit...

"So, Jason...." She began, making me look at her."Tell me about yourself."

I didn't know what to say, where to start. Apparently, she realized this because she noticed that I looked nervous and looked down again.

"Ok, Jason. Is it alright if I ask you a few questions?" she asked. I nod my head, and keep looking down.

"Let's start with some silly basics, Ok?" She asked me, and again, I nod my head and keep looking down. I don't know how I was going to answer her questions, I don't talk much.

"What kind of music do you listen to?" She asked me. I kept looking at the ground. I didn't want to tell her. I don't know why...it was just what kind of music I listen to.

She again noticed that I wasn't answering her, she put down her pad and pen on the table beside her and came over and sat next to me on the couch. I shifted a little due to me being so uncomfortable. Lilian put her hand on my cheek and stroked it gently. She lifted up my chin and made me look at her; she had a smile on her face. A pure, good, true smile.

"Jason...." she began."I know you feel uncomfortable, Jason, but I can help you, I promise...if you let me..." she finished with the most sincere look on her face. She looked at me and I looked back at her. Again, she smiled and all the sudden, I didn't feel so uncomfortable anymore.

Lilian waited a while before she spoke again.

"What kind of music do you listen to?" She asked again, still staring at me.

"R-rock..." I managed to croak out. After I said that, I looked down again.

"Thank you" She said with a smile. She stopped stroking my cheek and went back over to her chair and picked up her pad and pen. I let out a big sigh of relief as she left. I was still sitting in the same position I had been sitting in, with my legs to my chest and my face in my arms. I began to rock back and forth. I'm alone again...I like that feeling for some reason...I let out a quick, silent sob so that she wouldn't notice. I don't want any attention right now. I would actually feel better if she just got up, hit me across the face, and just left. But, that wasn't happening, I guessed.

"So....what do you like to do in your spare time? What do you like to do?" She said, breaking the somehow NOT awkward silence. Again....I wasn't responding, but I had managed to look at her again. I just couldn't bring myself to say anything about my miserable life. I didn't want her to know ANY of it, but there is no way I'm getting out of this now. And again, she realized that I wasn't going to respond. And yet _again_, she broke the silence.

"Jason......" she said."Jason, come on, you have to tell me, remember. I'm here to help you."

_Bullshit....no one cares about me, why should you be any different? You're a therapist, just like any other therapist who has to do their job or else they don't get paid. You're only doing this for money, you know. I don't need your bullshit, leave me alone. Just hit me...hard....and walk out...it'll be easier that way..._

"Jason...come on, Jason, I need you to tell me, I need your trust, this is the only way I can help you, if you tell me about yourself..."

Suddenly, I snapped. I looked up at her with anger plastered on my face. I decided it was time for me to say something.

"Why should I tell you anything? Your just like the rest of them, you just do this for money, you don't know me, you don't even care about me! Why should I tell you anything at all about my pathetic life?" I said quietly. I was shocked at how I just........_said_ something. I had never said something that easily and yet here I was. I could tell she was shocked too at my quiet outburst.

"Jason, I _do_ care about you, I do want to help you, but we both know that I can't do it if you don't tell me anything, Jason, I can help you, I promise. I promise you, Jason..." she said calmly.

My God, she has the most beautiful voice; I didn't even notice that up until now. I don't know how I didn't notice it. But somehow, those words seem so soothing and right then and there, I wanted to tell her everything that has happened to me, everything that I _did_...I opened my mouth to speak...

_Keep your distance, Jase, you know she doesn't care about you, don't tell her anything...nothing at all..._ The little voice in the back of my head had said. I immediately stopped myself from saying _anything_ and shut my mouth and looked down again. After a moment of, this time, awkward silence, I broke the silence.

"I like to draw, write and sometimes even sing..." I said. She looked at me with shock on her face again.

"Thank you, Jason." She told me and began writing on her piece of paper. After she stopped writing, she asked me something that I would have _never_ suspected...

"Jason, are you gay?" She asked me. My face shot up and looked at her, almost with fear, she stared back at me, with a look of curiosity on her beautiful face. I blushed at this. But anyways, I had already told her too much.

"...yes." I said, and looked down. I felt so ashamed. I immediately began to sob. The truth was I didn't know if I was gay or straight. I did tend to swing towards men, there were some special cases, however, where I found women sexually attractive... So maybe that made me bi-sexual.

"Jason, it's OK, don't cry, it's alright, I promise you..." she told me. She pulled me into a hug. I sobbed freely on her shoulder.

"Jason, are you ashamed that you're gay?" she asked me.

"Yes, I am, Lilian..." I said and continued to cry onto her neck. What the hell was I saying? Why couldn't I just come out and say 'No I _think_ I'm bi-sexual!' But no, I have to get close to an attractive woman by saying that I'm gay. I have no self-confidence.

She shushed me and we stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. A feeling of warmth quickly spread over my whole body during this time. Warmth? That's something I have never felt before. I wrapped my arms around her and still continued to cry.

"Jason..why don't you go home? I think we're done for today, alright? Come see me again tomorrow, alright?" Lilian said. I looked at her after I was finished crying and nodded my head. I got up, opened the door and left, shutting the door behind me. I walked down the corridor until I reached the main entrance and walked out, hailing a cab when I neared the edge of the pavement.

I don't know why I told Lilian anything at all, I can be such a dumbass. I stared out my window until we reached my house. I went upstairs to my bedroom and walked into my bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself.

I still couldn't believe that I had told Lilian that I was gay... But what made her ask such a question in the first place. It's not that I look gay... Do I? Maybe I should become more masculine. I did have a tendency to be a bit of a 'Pansy Potter' as my grandmother once put it. Why am I worried about what Lilian thinks, anyway?

I sighed and looked away from my reflection. Was it possible that I had a small crush on Lilian? Even if I did, I don't think she would be interested in me. After all, I have mental issues and she's a therapist.

I looked back at my reflection, at the face that I had come to despise so much. A black cloud creeped into the back of mind, over take what happiness I had and I started to get angry. Angry at myself for not being a man and standing up for myself, angry because I had made Lilian think that I was gay. Angry because I just wanted to be dead.

_Someone please take this pain away from me, someone please hurt me....kill me....cut me...someone, anyone, please?_

I pulled off my shirt and stared at myself. There were bruises on my shoulders and cuts on my arms. There was also a cut on my stomach, a small one. I didn't want to keep looking at this person, I wanted this person looking back at me to die, but no one will take my life away, I guess I just have to take it away myself. I looked down in the sink and saw something. I saw my razor lying in the sink with a small pool of blood around it...it was mine. I began to cry right then and there. I went into a fit.

"Someone please kill me, please!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and continued to cry. I started to throw things around in the bathroom. I picked up things on the sink and threw them around everywhere. There was glass everywhere by the time I had finished. I sighed in relief. I need to feel pain. I want that so bad right now. I stood still in front of the mirror for a moment. I looked at the razor and the blood in the sink. I closed my eyes and wrapped my hands around my hair and began to pull, screaming at the comforting pain. I opened my eyes and looked at myself, wanting to see me in pain, I was still pulling at my hair, ripping some of it out. I stopped. I began to cry harder. I leaned up against the wall behind me and slid down it, tears running fast down my cheeks. I brought my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around them again and cried even harder. The sobs never coming to an end.

After a little while, I stopped crying and picked myself up. I put my fingers in the blood in the sink and turned around to the wall. I wrote 'die' on the wall in big, bold letters with my own blood. When I had finished, I looked at it and sighed and smiled. I went over to my bed and turned on some music, not long after I felt my eyes droop and sleep overtook me.

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**Good, bad or ugly? I'm writing Chapter 2 right now, so that should be up in a day or so :-)**

**LOVES YA!**

**Angel  
xoxo  
**


	2. Chapter 2 Confession

**Chapter 2 - Confession**

I awoke to the shrill sound of my phone ringing, I rolled onto my side willing it to stop. I even hid my head under the pillow but the sound crept through the duck down. Sighing I sat and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" I croaked. My throat felt sore, I assumed that I had been snoring.

"Hello, am I speaking to Jason Reso?" The female voice asked.

"Yeah..."

"Oh hi, Jason, it's Lilian. We have a meeting in about... a couple of hours, are you still coming by?" She asked me. If I wasn't mistaken I could hear a smile in her voice. Was she laughing at me?

"Err... Yeah... Yes, I am," I answered, feeling slightly self-conscious.

"Good, I'll see you later then, Jason," she said and hung up the phone before I could say anything.

I groaned and got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom and felt disgusted with myself for what I had done last night. The blood on the wall had dried a dark red, I winced and tried to ignore the angry red letters and jumped into the shower. The water was scorching hot, so hot that it felt as though it was burning my skin from my body. I liked the pain, it gave me something to take my mind off of my mental instability. After I had washed my hair and body, I dried myself and my way beck into my bedroom and over to my closet, choosing my clothes, which consisted mostly of black... Black reflects my mood and my life perfectly.

_My life..._

I thought about Lilian and how she was going to ask questions that I didn't feel comfortable with answering. I really didn't want to answer anything that she had to ask me. I guess I didn't want to feel exposed. The thought of opening up to a stranger made my skin crawl and feel nauseous. I'm hoping that she doesn't start asking me about my sexuality again... or maybe I should make it a point to tell her that I think I'm bi-sexual... if that's what I really am. Why can't things just be simple? Why can't I be normal?

Sighing, I sat on the edge of my bed. My dark mood had crept up on me again. I looked at my bathroom and saw the razor glinting on the side of the sink, teasing me. I walked back into the bathroom and picked the razor up. It looked like the razor had won this battle.

I cleaned my arm with an antiseptic wipe and wrapped it in a bandage. This was something that Lilian wouldn't know about. I won't tell her, I won't tell her anything.

Not bothering to get anything to eat, I grabbed my car keys and left the house. The drive to Lilian's office didn't take long. I sat staring at the large building for a shirt while, trying to will myself to go in. I smacked the steering wheel with both hands and got slowly out of the car, walking towards the building I suddenly had a feeling of emptiness come over me. I wanted to be back in my bathroom with the razor blade. I felt like crying as I was walking down the corridor to Lilian's office, I opened the door without knocking and there she was, sitting behind her desk looking as beautiful as ever.

I was suddenly aware that I was staring at her. Her golden blonde hair was pulled back into a pony tail, and she was wearing a pale pink shirt. She looked at me quizzically.

_I want you so bad..._

Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from? I'm not supposed to be thinking about her like that! She's... She's my therapist, and I'm supposed to be gay. It somehow amuses me that she won't ever return these feelings. Are they really feelings? Or am I attracted to her because she's nice to me, not to mention easy on the eye? Lilian's too perfect; she would never go for a loser like me anyway. Lilian probably has a perfect house, perfect husband, a perfect life. Then there's me... LOSER! Still, she is beautiful.

"Hey Jason," she said with a smile.

"Hi," I replied quietly, ashamed that I was having these thoughts about her.

"Come on in." Lilian motioned for me to sit on the couch. I closed the door and headed to the couch resuming the position I had the previous day. I was feeling doubly nervous even though I had yet to say anything exposing... yet. I looked out of the window and saw a group of kids playing soccer. I always wondered why I was never a normal kid like that.

"Jason?" Lilian's voice cut across my thoughts, she startled me and I physically jumped. "Are you ok, Jason?"

I nodded and looked away from her.

"Ok. So like yesterday, I'm going to ask you some questions. Feel free to say anything, absolutely anything at all," she said soothingly. I nodded again, this time I looked up at her, she had a kind, encouraging smile on her face. "So Jason, you say that you're gay?"

"Err... I'm not sure..." I answered quietly.

"You're not sure?"

"No..."

"Well... Have you had any relationships with men in that past?" Lilian asked, I could hear her writing out conversation down.

"Yes... But also with women."

"So you're bi-sexual?"

I shrugged. "I guess..."

"I'm sorry to ask these questions, Jason. I just need to get to know you a little better. You're a pretty hard nut to crack," she smiled. "Jason, did you have any sexual encounters with those men?"

The questions were beginning to hit me hard. I close my eyes and suddenly I feel defeated.

_Don't tell her, Jase. Don't expose yourself, don't give in to her. You know she doesn't really care..._

"Yes..." I answer reluctantly. Damn Lilian and her kind smile, damn her to hell! "Yeah, I had a boyfriend once; we were really in love..." I stopped myself from saying anymore.

"Jason?" Lilian asked. "Jason, what happened?"

She must have known that I was feeling quite distressed because she left her desk and sat on the other end of the couch. I could see her hands twitching in her lap, she didn't know whether or not to reach out to me. I stared at her, her gorgeous eyes filled with genuine worry and before I could stop myself I began to sob. She finally plucks up courage to touch me and I push her hand away, just like I had pushed everyone else in my life away. Her eyes never left mine.

"He... He, r-raped m-me! Are you happy now?!" I shout at her. Lilian looked back at me with a look of shock and concern written on her face.

"Tell me what happened. Why did he do it?" she asked quietly, now looking away from me.

"I don't know! I was at his house waiting for him to come home... We were going to watch a movie..." I mumbled. "When he came home he was angry, he wouldn't tell me why. It didn't seem to matter that I was worried about him or how many times I asked, he just wouldn't tell me. He just kept on hitting me, and I never fought back... And then..." The tears ran down my cheeks and I let out a loud sob. I finally let go and cried hard into my hands. Lilian made no movements; she just let me carry on with my story.

"H-he apologized to me over and over again... and then I found him dead in his bed," I said sniffing. "Heroin overdose..."

Lilian finally got up and pulled me into her arms. "It's ok, Jason. It really is. He's not here anymore, he won't hurt you. I've got you, no one will hurt you while I'm around, I promise you."

I loved the sound of her voice, it was so soothing. My feelings were so wrong, but they felt so right.

_You've failed, Jason. You've exposed yourself to her. Now you'll end up paying for your actions..._

"NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I pushed Lilian away and she fell on her on her ass. "NO!" I screamed again and ran from the room. I ignored Lilian as she called my name and ran out to my car to drive home.

I would never, NEVER go back there ever again. I had exposed myself to someone that I didn't even know. I DON'T KNOW HER!!!

I tore the bandages off of the healing cuts on my arms, and scratched at them until they began to bleed again, I suddenly felt better. When I arrived at my house I got out of my car. Before I got to the door I collapsed and saw darkness, only hearing that rain pounding down on top of me.

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**Thanks to Lauren, Tina, wrestlefan4, JeffHardyLover21 and loves-boy-slash for reviewing the last chapter.**

**I'll start chapter 3 tomorrow so it should be up by Monday.**

**Loves ya!**

**Angel  
xoxo**


	3. Chapter 3 Trust

**WARNING: Little bit of sex, if you don't like, don't read :-)**

**Chapter 3 – Trust**

I opened my eyes a little crack, I was in my living room. How did I get here? I sat up and stretched. There was a kitchen chair beside the sofa I was laying. I suddenly felt confused. Was someone in my house?

As if on cue, an extremely attractive blonde walked out of my kitchen. When she saw me sitting up she ran to my side.

"Oh, Jason! How are you feeling?" Lilian said sounding extremely concerned.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?" I answered, looking back at her.

She breathed a sigh of relief. "You left you're cap behind," she said sitting down on the kitchen chair. "I thought you might miss it, so I brought it round. I was frightened when I saw you laying outside... I had a lot of trouble getting you in here." She pointed at the sofa, "I was going to take you upstairs, but my back wouldn't allow it." She chuckled lightly.

I got up quickly and began pacing frantically.

"Jason, it's alright. Calm down..."

"No! No it's not alright, Lilian!" I yelled and she winced. "I don't want to see you ever again! I don't need fucking therapy!"

Lilian tried to stop me from pacing but I pushed her away again, this time not hard enough that she fell down, but just so she stumbled back a few steps. She looked at me, worry and concern in her eyes.

"Jason, just stop!" She shouted. I was so shocked that I did what I was told. She moved closer to me, placing both of her hands on my face. "You need to stop fighting with yourself," she said bringing my head down towards hers so that our foreheads were touching. "You need to let me help you!"

I looked back at her as she ran her hands down my arms. I was suddenly aware that I didn't have my hoody on, and that my arms were showing. She frowned.

"Did you do this, Jason?" she asked, stroking the tender area on my arms where they had been cut. I sighed in defeat.

"Yes..." I responded. Again, Lilian frowned. I found myself wishing that she wouldn't do that, not because I didn't like the look of her when she did it, but because I didn't want her to get premature wrinkles. I feel like an ass.

She took my left arm in her hands and brought it to her lips and began kissing the cuts lightly.

"Lilian?"

She stopped and looked at me shyly. "Sorry," she apologised. "I shouldn't be doing this... I shouldn't be here."

She began to walk from the room but I stopped her by putting her hand lightly on her shoulder. "Don't go..." I said quietly.

"I should really go, I told my boss I would only be gone for an hour or so..." She said turning back to me. I couldn't take my eyes from her face. She was so beautiful, she looked like an angel. My angel. My angel that I continued to push away.

I hesitantly put my hand on her cheek, it was warm and I felt my hand tingling from the touch. "Lilian?"

"Hmm?"

_Get away from her, Jason. You know she's doesn't care. You know she'll end up using you. _My mind began fighting with itself. I closed my eyes and tried to rid myself of the voice. My hand dropped from Lilian's face and I turned away from her.

"Jason?" She asked, concerned.

"Yeah?" I whispered.

"Will you be coming to see me again?" She sounded almost hurt. I tried to understand why she was feeling this way, but I couldn't think of any.

"I don't know, Lilian," I replied.

"Please, Jason. I want to see you, I believe that I can help you... If you just give me a chance to do it, Jason." It was her turn to touch my shoulder.

I took in what Lilian had said, I sighed then nodded my head. She tried to hug me from behind, but her arms didn't fit around my frame. I chuckled and turned around, letting her hug me. She pulled away and smiled at me, her smile was stunning and it caused me to smile back.

"I'll tidy up before I go, I made a bit of mess while I was looking for things," she said apologetically. I shook my head but she insisted that I sit down and rest.

I watched with a smile as she took the chair back into the kitchen and tidied around me. I found myself looking at her ass every time she bent over to pick something off of the floor, and saw her calf muscles tighten when she walked in her heels. I thought about how hard it must have been for her to bring me into the house by herself. Sure, she must look after her body; she possibly visited the gym once in a while if not a few days a week. But even so, she must have had one hell of time getting my ass through the door and into the living room.

"Meet me tomorrow, Jason?" Lilian asked when she was done. "Promise me you'll be there?"

"I promise, Lilian. I promise I'll be there," I replied.

"Great," she said with a smile. She walked over to me and I was mesmerised by her movements, she gave me a quick hug and kissed me lightly on the cheek before leaving my house.

I lay back on my sofa, suddenly imagining Lilian and I making love. The daydream made my penis stand to attention. I tried to ignore the pulsing member in my pants, but as my daydream became more intimate I could ignore it no longer.

I unzipped the fly of my jeans, releasing the beast from its cage. I thought about Lilian's hot mouth gently sucking my member as I ran my hand through her silky blonde hair. My hand was moving slowly up and down my cock, as the imaginary Lilian kissed up my body ending at my mouth, she slid herself onto my penis and slowly began moving up and down moaning her pleasure. I watched as her breasts bounced lightly as she began to quicken the pace.

I opened my eyes as I came, watching the creamy liquid seep over the side of my hand and down my knuckles.

I sighed, I don't think that my fantasy would ever come true. But I guess that's why people call it a fantasy.

I made a pact with myself as I zipped my jeans up again, that I would tell Lilian everything about myself, I have to tell her my problems. I need to open up to her and tell her everything... That's the only way that she'll be able to help me.

_Don't do it, Jason. She'll hurt you with all the information you tell her. Don't tell her, Jason. Don't... _

I ignored the voice in the back of my mind, I _am_ going to tell Lilian everything. EVERYTHING!

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**Thanks to my reviewers: Loz, Tina, DK, wrestlefan4, loves-boy-slash and JeffHardyLover21**

**Hope you enjoyed it. Chapter 4 will be up in a few days :-)**

**Loves ya!!!**

**Angel  
xoxo **


	4. Chapter 4 Darkness

**Author Note: The poem isn't by me, it's by someone by the name of Emily.**

**Chapter 4 – Darkness  
**

I stood outside Lilian's office for the longest time. I was just standing there, starting at the golden plaque with her name it, wondering if I really should go in there and tell her everything. For some odd reason I trusted Lilian now. I didn't know why, as I barely even knew her, but it really didn't matter anymore. All that matters is that I trust Lilian, and I promised her that I would tell her everything. Besides, she told me that she was going to help e, and I definitely not going to pass that up. I want a chance to live a normal life.

I opened the door and walked in. Lilian was sitting in her usual place behind the desk, going over some notes. She was wearing all black today. She smiled as I entered and closed the door.

"Hi, Jason," she said taking off her glasses and laying them on her desk.

"Hi..." I replied quietly.

"Take a seat."

I nodded and walked over to the sofa and sat down.

"So Jason, are you going to tell me anything new today?" Lilian asked. I nodded my head slowly and looked out of the window.

"I want to tell you everything, Lilian..." I say. She looked up at me and smiled again.

"Tell me, Jason. Tell me everything about you."

"Yes, Lilian. I'll tell you, I promise..."

_Oh God, Jase! You're so stupid! You've been trying to get help for all this time and then a pretty girl comes into your life, and all of a sudden you want to tell her everything? Have you completely lost your mind? Don't tell her ANYTHING!_

I wrap my hands around my head and shut my eyes. It's so hard trying to ignore the voice in my head. He's forever telling me what to do and I hate it. It's like being a kid and having my mother nagging at me again. Even though it continues to talk to me, I manage to block the horrid voice out and concentrate how I'll tell Lilian about my life. I hug my legs to my chest tightly, all the while looking at Lilian. I smile inwardly at the look of curiosity on her face, how can someone always look so beautiful? I took a deep breath and began my monologue.

"I guess it started when I was younger. My dad was very abusive towards my mum, because he had anger problems... I've never understood that, people always blame that shit on having 'anger problems', it's cowardly. Anyway, when he got bored with taking his crap out on Mum, he decided that he was going to take it out me. H-he got so worked up one night that he err... h-he..." I stopped for a second, forcing myself not to cry. "Anyway, my parent's got divorced not long after it happened. My mother couldn't bear to look at him after what he had put me through... A few months later my father found out where we had moved to... He slashed my mum's throat, I wanted to help her but I was afraid, then before I could stop him, my father shot himself." I took another deep breath, trying to clam myself down.

"As you can imagine, I've never been able to get over that. I had come home from school expecting my mum to be in the kitchen baking... she loved baking, it was her passion. She wasn't in the kitchen. I started panicking as I was walking up the stairs, I knew something was wrong. When I walked into my bathroom, I saw Mum laying there on the floor... There was blood, so much blood. Then I looked at him, he was standing over her with a fucking knife in his hand. I watched the knife fall to the ground before I heard the safety being taken off of the gun... He said 'sorry' before he put the gun in his mouth..." By this time I had silent tears running down my cheeks. Lilian came over and sat on the couch next to me, she didn't touch me. She was probably afraid that I would push her away again.

"I would still go to school, but I didn't tell anyone what had happened... I refused to tell anyone what had happened, so I had to take care of the situation myself... My parent's never had a proper burial, I'm the only one who knows where they are. My friends parent's found out that I was alone... My friend also found out that I was having nightmares and I-I..." I cut myself off, allowing the tears to fall freely from my eyes.

"You what, Jason?"

"I... I began to draw..." I took another deep breath, pulling myself together. "I began to draw things... different, disturbing things."

"What did you draw, Jason?"

"Just weird things, Lilian. I would draw my mum and dad... My grave... the monsters from my dreams. Just really strange things. Apparently, my friend found them and gave them to his parents, they decided the best thing for me was to put me in therapy. Then... my nightmares..." I stopped again, crying.

"What were your dreams of, Jason?" Lilian asked putting her hand on my shoulder.

"I dreamt a lot of different things... My suicide... Monsters eating me alive. I would often wake in the middle of the night screaming, and I heard whispers and see shadows on the wall. I got so scared, but there was no one there to help me. I used to cry at night, wishing my mum was there. But... she never was."

"I was a normal kid when my parents were around, things got bad when they were gone. I was picked on and teased at school. It got to the point where they would wait for me after school and beat me up, just for the fun of it."

"And?" Lilian asked me.

"And... That's when I met him... His name was Chris. Chris was my first best friend, and he seemed to be the only one that was willing to care for me. Things started to get confusing, I started to have feelings for him and I realised that I was attracted to both boys and girls. At the time I was worried that I was gay, and for a time I guess I was. Chris helped me cope with these feelings that I was having. He told me that he loved me and we started seeing each other. Then... He also... you know," I looked at Lilian and she nodded. "And I was left on my own again. After that, I would write and I had further thoughts of my suicide. I wrote a ton of poems..." I stopped looking at Lilian and stared at the wall. She was rubbing my shoulder which made me feel a little better.

"Can I see one of those poems, Jason?" She asked quietly, lightly squeezing my shoulder. I nodded and pulled my notebook out of my pocket and handed it to her. I was fightened that someone else was about to read one of my poems. But I knew that Lilian wouldn't judge them. She flipped the pad open and started reading aloud.

"_Darkness_

_I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness  
And I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under  
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it  
I begin to see the water at eye level  
And I kick and flail  
Fighting to stay above the darkness  
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me  
And I slowly begin to give in  
To the feeling that lies below the water line  
The waters starts to fill my lungs  
The lungs that once held so much life  
Yet now they allow the murky water to replace that  
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness  
But why doesn't someone grab my hand  
Pull me from darkness's grasp?  
Because no one knows I stand at the boundary  
The boundary between light and dark  
So I give in to the thing that holds me  
All of the strength and all of the courage  
That I once held in my heart  
Can't save me from the water  
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness  
Undetected by the occupants of that world  
I don't want to fight anymore  
I've given into darkness"_

I could feel her looking at me as she finished reading it, but I refused to look at her.

"Jason…" she began, but I cut her off.

"I started to become more and more confused with my sexuality… Girls or boys? I couldn't decide… I still can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question," I said still looking at the wall. "Because of that reason I began cutting myself, there's just something thrilling about the way the blood flows out of my body, and the pain gives me release. The weird thing was that when the kids at school were kicking seven bells out of me, I liked it!" I began to laugh. "I fucking liked it... I liked it to the point where it turned me on. I'm a mac-maso… What's that word?"

"A masochist?"

"That's the one. I'm a masochist… The only problem is that the pleasure that I found in the pain left me with a lot of scars… I hate looking at myself, I just want to change who I am, I want to be someone else…" I tried my best not to look at Lilian, so she took charge and made me face her.

"Jason…" she said. "Jason, it's ok, I promise. Everything will be alright…" I started crying and she pulled me into a hug. She hugged me so tight that I was afraid that she wouldn't let me go. I stayed in her arms for what felt like hours and for the first time in my life I felt truly loved.

* * *

**Thanks to my reviewers: Loz, JeffHardyLover21, loves-boy-slash, Tina, WF4 and DK. You know I love you all!!!**

**A couple of small apologies. First I'd like to apologize for how long it's taken me to write this chapter and secondly I'm sorry about the monologue of this chapter.**

**Hope you forgive me… Please???**

**Loves ya!**

**Angel  
XOXO**


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